Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Advice: Dealing With People Obsessions

You don't want to think of it as an obsession, I understand that, but it is, or at least it will be. There is no way I can think of to make this not happen, so the best advice I can give you is to allow it to run its course. It's going to be awkward. You keep trying to make everything perfect again but it's just not going to happen like that, so STOP TRYING. You're in a hard situation and you've got to work through it. The subconscious part of you  mind is telling you to think about him like that for reasons that you won't understand, because you don't really have contact with that part, it doesn't like you so it's ignoring you because it wants something and you won't let it have it, so you need to train the habit out of it.Training that part of your mind not to think about him is going to be like training a badly behaved dog not to pull on it's leash. Let's call the dog Rover. Rover wants one thing; to pull on his leash. You (the owner of the dog) are your conscious mind, and won't let it pull on the leash. It's going to take strict discipline to train Rover, but it's doable. I was in your situation not too long ago, and now my version of Rover is almost perfect. I mean, every dog slips up now and again, especially when other people encourage it, but I'm at the stage now where Rover is getting old, and eventually Rover is going to die. You should look forward to that day, but for now, my Rover is more like a companion than ever.

Your aim: To stop Rover pulling on his leash. (to stop thinking about him in any way other than a friend)

My Tip: From my experience, the best way to rein Rover in is to give him a sharp correction whenever he slips up, but to do that, you need to think of it first. Personally I'm a visual learner, so I'll just demonstrate the way I learned. First, picture it. Picture the thing that is disturbing you the most about it, the thing that you don't really want to happen, even if Rover tells you he does want it. Second, make a bad association with that image by using a worse but completely unrelated image to block the first image out. For example, think of the most unpleasant image you can muster up, although it sometimes helps if this image makes you laugh a little. Your mind will start to associate the first image with the second image and eventually you'll teach yourself not to think of the first at all. This technique can work with words and sounds too, but I find the picture method easier.

Things to avoid:
  • Cutting the leash. (Don't ignore him! You don't want to lose your friendship) 
  • Ignoring the problem. Face it, you have one, and it's not going to go away overnight.
  • Talking about it too much. Try your best not to bring it up in conversation unless you have an actual issue you want to discuss, and/or I ask for a progress report.
Top Tips:
  • The first image has to represent the whole of the situation.
  • This is not an instant thing. Because you're starting the detour quite early on in the obsession, it will probably work faster with you than it did for me. 
  • When you're blocking the first with the second, scream it in your head. focus on nothing but that. It helps if there are no distractions around you but obviously sometimes you can't help that. 
  • When you're talking to that person, try denying yourself access to them over and over in your mind. 
  • Convince yourself that nothing is ever going to happen with them. It is forbidden. That thought really helped me a lot.
  • Don't initiate contact with them. You want don't want Rover getting the wrong idea and taking off.  
This is going to be hard for a few weeks at least, and you can't sugar coat it. Just power through it. It's going to hurt. Breathe through it. It still hurts me sometimes, but it's manageable now and I'm able to have a conversation with them quite happily, and I do so daily. You'll see that eventually it gets easier. 

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