Yesterday: It's okay to make mistakes

So today I made a fool of myself. And it’s okay.

I wanted to audition for my school musical, Our House (based on Madness songs), even though a lot of my year is going to be taken up with course work and Saturday Theatre and my boyfriend, so I’m not going to have a lot of time to learn even more lines and stuff, but I decided to go for it anyway. I didn’t intend to get a part, and even if I did, I could just give it up anyway.

So I went to the audition. Split into three groups, one for each section to rotate, we went off to do dance first. Before today, I was completely aware of the fact that I cannot dance, and avoided it where possible. Now, I am completely aware that me dancing should be something that never happens, or else the world will implode because oh got I’m just so terrible. I have the coordination of a baby giraffe with one leg, and the ability to forget the dance moves as soon as I have to stand up in front of people. Then, when faced with the prospect of spontaneously improvising two bars of dance, the best thing I could think to do was the macarena, and I couldn’t even do that right. I was truly laughable, so I did. At least it was fun.

Next up, group singing. This has always been difficult for me because like a lot of people, the sound of other people’s voices distracts me to no end. However, I persevered, and went on singing, and quite enjoyed it. Not too bad.

Acting. The drama department had devised a terrible way of sorting this out, but what can you do? We were sorted into groups of about eight, and told that we had five minutes (like literally five minutes, just 300 seconds) to improvise a scene that showed a decision that had to be made. I won’t go into details about what we did, but it was pretty damn terrible, and about 30 seconds long. How they managed too see anybody’s skills as an actor from that, I’ll never know.

That was it for most people, who then went home, but a brave few (I say a few, but it was about 25 of us) decided to stay for the solo auditions. The process of this was everybody would come to the front of the room in front of ten teachers, and sing a verse and a chorus of It Must Be Love. I went up sooner than I thought I would, considering how nervous I suddenly was. I knew when to come in, knew the backing track very well, but faced under the pressure, I started out of key, and asked to try again. On the second attempt, I came in at the wrong point. I just want to point out that I KNOW WHERE TO COME IN. Play it for me now and I’ll tell you the exact point, but for some reason I have no idea what, I missed it, then came in too early. My voice was pathetic, and it was just so ugh.

The judging teachers included BOTH of my theatre studies teachers, my physics teacher, two dance teachers, at least one music teacher, and a few others I have no idea what they were. It’s the first three I’m worried about. They now know how bad I am at these things, which won’t bode well for me in the long run when it comes to casting other things. Also, I quite liked my Physics teacher. I say liked, because I’ll probably be unbearably embarrassed next time I see him. He’s awesome though. He smiled and gave me a thumbs up as I left the room about ten minutes later, which was nice. I can’t remember my response. I think I frowned at him, if anything, since I was picking up a lot of stuff at the time and was focusing on getting out of that room as fast as possible. I’ll apologize for that tomorrow. Still, I don’t quite understand what the thumbs up was for - he only gave out that one I saw, and I clearly didn’t do well. Maybe it was a “relax, you’re fine” kind of thing? I don’t know. Still, it worked. But I’ll ask about it. Then there was my classmates, who already thought I was strange, and now that was horribly embarrassing too.

So all in all, I made a fool of myself. I feel like shit, but at least I tried. All I did was prove to myself that sometimes I’m shit. Shit happens, and it’s okay. I’ve just got to move on.