Remind Me

I was thinking earlier about the probability of language. I think that'd make an interesting post when I have more time.

Confident

I've been told to approach my French speaking exam with a confident, positive mental attitude, and so I am. Unfortunately I don't know what I'm supposed to, and I'm.fully aware that there is very little chance of it going well, so really I'm just confident that it's going to go badly.

It's Been a While Since I've Blogged

... But I think you know the reason why. It's a mix of personal reasons and exams, but it's the personal reasons I'm worried about.

Well, not really worried about, just... A little cautious of. I'm aware that I'm going to be unbearably happy for a while, and I'm going to end up talking about this for a long while. But just bear in mind, when I'm rambling on, I've been waiting for this for a year and a half, and all through that time, I've been listening to other people being unbearably happy in that area, although sometimes not quite as happy, but you get what I mean. I guess what I'm saying is that you shouldn't let me obsess over this if it bothers you, even in the slightest. If you even feel irritated or annoyed by me, I'll tone it down. I'll probably need to anyway.

Erm

That is definitely not the way I intended things to go... But I'm sort of glad it's over with. But still... Reply please?

RE: Littleradge - Glasses

This is my response to Littleradge's video, I Broke My Glasses.

In his video he talks about how people who wear glasses have been stereotyped as nerds, and how because of that, some people wear glasses without a prescription in them because apparently, being a nerd is the 'in' thing. Now don't get me wrong, I love my glasses and I love being nerdy, but really I don't think glasses and nerdiness are particularly related.
There are so many different opinions on wearing fake glasses flying around in the comments that I'm not even going to attempt to justify any of them. I'm going to stick to my own self analysis for now, and maybe build on other people later.
I wear glasses. I have done for three years now, and I still have mixed opinions on them. On one hand, they help me see. I can barely see my hand in front of my face without them, and without them I generally feel like I'm half naked, but sometimes I do like to take them off. This is partly because I've been told by my optician that if I rely too much on my glasses my eyes will gradually get weaker, which is already happening, and has happened a lot over the past three years. But then sometimes I just don't feel like wearing them, soI take them off for a while. This is really impractical in lessons, but when I'm walking around without them I start to feel really self conscious, so really I just don't wear them very much at home, unless I'm watching TV or something where I really do need to be able to see or I'll get a headache.
It's nice to have a change sometimes, though. When I first got glasses, I had two pairs with different arms but similar frames. I liked the ability to choose which ones I wanted to wear, becuase as a person who occasionally has the mind of a small child, I enjoy variety. Now I have one pair of glasses which were really shockingly expensive, and a pair of prescription sunglasses which are actually a prescription behind what I need, but the last time when I needed the prescription changed on my glasses, I needed something to walk around town in while they changed the lenses so I wouldn't accidentally stand on a small child or something. Since then I still haven't taken my sunglasses to get the lenses changed, but I probably will with my next prescription.
My aviators offer a nice substitute should I ever get bored of my regular glasses, but they're only really useful outside, otherwise I do look ridiculous. I have a pair of 3D glasses with the lenses popped out, and I can't really see myself when I wear them, but from what I can see, I don't suit them. I don't really think many people suit 3D glasses frames, because they just look stupid. If you don't need glasses, why would you want to announce to the world that you're visually impared on some level? You're not really even doing that, you just look ridiculous. They are not jewelery for the face, and they shouldn't be just an accessory. As a person who needs them to see, I just don't like the fact that people wear them because they think it makes them look nerdy. Nerds would not wear those glasses to look nerdy, because it kind of defeats the point.
I'm getting a little tired of needing my glasses. As soon as Specsavers let's me I'll try contacts, just for a change, and then at 18 I'll have laser eye surgery. The idea of the surgery really creeps me out, and I really do not want the procedure, but I'd like to be able to see. I know that if I did have it done, I'd miss my glasses, and so really that's the only time I think it's okay to have fake glasses. Michael Buckley wears his old glasses with clear or no lenses because that's his image, but he's had LASIK eye surgery and can see perfectly. I think that's what I would do - keep a pair of glasses with clear lenses, but even that seems a little sad to me, because it's not as if I'm a YouTuber or even minorly popular. If I got rid of my glasses, I don't think anyone would mind, and if I tried wearing fake ones, it seems pointless to me, even though I might miss them.
I'm clearly still undecided on this. I'll get back to you.

I have the Time but Not the Interest

I have bigger fish to fry at the minute, to be honest. Sorry.

My School Years: Nursery

My first memory of nursery was before I'd even started, and two of the teachers came to my house and asked me if I wanted to go to nursery. I have no memory of speaking to them, as I'm sure it won't surprise you to know I was a very shy child. At this point I must have been like 3 or 4, and from that meeting all I remember is sitting on one of the teachers laps and being scared of the other.
There were three nursery teachers at that time. Mrs Bunce, who was lovely on all accounts, Mrs Pashley who scared me a little but still I'm fairly sure she was nice, and Mrs Fox, whose name I think I've spelt wrong, and I remember most for stealing our chips in later years. I think my teacher was Mrs Pashley, at least she was for one of two years, but I'm fairly sure there was a switch at some point, and if there was, I think my other teacher was Mrs Bunce. I don't remember ever being taught by Mrs Fox, she was just always there.
I'm fairly sure I was in the afternoon class, which lasted from like 11 to 3, but I don't think we ever had nap time which apparently other schools did. I know we had a huge room, or partition of the room, which had really high ceilings and had a really soft carpet and was filled with cushions and beanbags, but I don't ever remember going in there. We might have gone in for circle time or story time once or twice, but mainly it was just thus thing that everybody wanted to go in, but it must have just been for the morning class, which I really don't think was fair.
I could probably map out the nursery classroom from memory right now. The sand and water boxes, the map mats with the toy cars, the duplo bricks (I was always brilliant at duplo), the special role play area, the kitchen which always smelt like biscuits or buns, and every day a few children would be picked to bake, and I don't remember ever being picked. I'm sure I was but I don't remember. I don't think the teachers actually liked me, because I was so quiet I doubt they ever noticed me. The outside area was magnificent. Through all my years in that school, I always wanted to go back to that playground. Nursery was where I made my first friend, who remained my best friend until year 7, and I remember me and her sitting under trees and then racing to the race track and grabbing trikes and ride on cars. In our second year of Nursery, the school bought us a working traffic light which worked by switches on the back, so the teachers didn't like operating it all the time, although I think it was Mrs Fox who always used to work it for us. She was also the one who patched me up, too. I was a very clumsy child, just as I'm a very clumsy teen, and I must have fallen over so many times in that playground, and she must have given me hundreds of plasters over the years. I was terrible for it. If any of the teachers liked me, I think it was her.
I'm running out of time here, so I'm just going to say, I loved nursery. It was one of the best school years of my life, and I have my reasons for sharing that with you.

Temporary Post: That's What You Think.

You say these things, but I see no reason.
The freckle on your nose? I've never noticed it. Or what you said about your eyebrows and nails, despite how close we've grown over the past five years.
I'm jealous of your eyes. The colour is incredible and you've got a knack for eye makeup I know I'll never achieve.
Beached whale? Are you kidding me? You see yourself through a funhouse mirror compared to what everybody else sees. Stop degrading yourself.
Your hair is amazing, effortlessly brilliant. I have to work at mine for hours if I want it to look halfway decent. Luck you, you suit wavy and straight.
Those skinny jeans you bought look amazing on you, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Would I have let you out in public in them if they didn't? No. Would I have let you buy them in the first place? Definitely not.
If you want to get motivated, I will motivate you. Just ask.
And sticking your fingers down your throat doesn't make you thin, it makes you ill. In the more ways than one, and if I hear of you ever doing that again I'll stick my finger in your eye.
Your scars are part of who you are, like Remus', and if someone doesn't accept you for who you are then they're a pile of shit, thinking shit, talking shit. Flush them away. Obviously I'd prefer you not to have them at all because I hate it when you're hurting enough to do that, and I hope you see that there are always other ways to get through things, but no matter what you do, I'm always here for a hug and support.
Everybody has self esteem issues. EVERYBODY. Nobody is good at talking to people they really like, because it's just not human nature to be good at that. Either way, I'm sorry for pressuring you to talk to Batman Boy.
I'm always there to talk. You know that.
I've never known you not stick up for your friends. I can't count the amount of times you've stuck up for all of us, and you know the group, we're a team, we do that for one another. You and Elli took the litter picking when all of us were too cowardice to own up, which I'm not proud of.
It's not surprising that you're still stuck on him, really. Anybody else would be. Hell I'm stuck on a guy who doesn't even like me. At least you were in a relationship.
Don't you dare ever attempt to rake pills or cut too deep or whatever other method you might think of. Maybe you don't realise how much you mean. I've told you this before and I don't want to.say it again or I'll cry so I'll simplify it. I love you dude. You're my partner in crime, my duetist, of that's a word. My fellow obsessee. In the words of Amy Farrah Fowler, you're my bestie. I'd be lost without you maan, and even if we do eventually drift apart, you're still too awesome to leave the world.
You're not worthless dude. You're a good person. Bin Laden was worthless. Hitler was worthless. Man whose name I can't spell so I'll call Madam Insane was worthless. You're not. You have talents. You have skills, you have awesomeness, you have friends, you have a personality.
Never forget who you are.

Oh.

Damn. I had a brilliant blog planned. I feel like I've been letting myself down lately.

New Chapter, No Apreciation

I put up a new fanfiction chapter yesterday afternoon. Usually I get a review within a few hours, but I've still got nothing. Not one review. It's slightly downhearting.

I Suck At Schedules

I can't even keep to this blogging every day thing. And I've just realised that half the holiday is gone and I haven't started a single piece of homework or revision.

Shit.

Emergency blog

Boo

No Time.

Writing.

THE BEST COFFEE EVER. ...c'mon, surely it can't be that-- EVER.

I just made the best coffee ever. If this wasn't probably really really bad for me, this would be how I would always insist to have coffee made for me. I did it almost completely by accident too. I mean, it wasn't a complete accident - I was purposely experimenting with coffee (ie. to what extremes I can stand it, as I have been for a while), but this wasn't supposed to be a "how awesome would this be" kind of experiment, it was more of a "I wonder what would happen if..." kind of experiment. Obviously I wasn't expecting all of the doors in the house to suddenly fall off their hinges or anything, although that would be pretty cool, if it wasn't so weird and expensively repaired.


Okay, so here's what happened: 

• While the kettle was boiling, I was putting coffee into my cup, as you do. I put the regular one in, and then as a little experiment, I put an extra two in. 
• Of course I realised this would be pretty bitter, and although I like it strong, I also like it kinda sweet, so I put three sugars in too for good measure.
• The kettle seemed to be a way off boiling, and I didn't have my phone on me or anything to fiddle with, but it occurred to me that my dad says that coffee tastes better if you put the milk in first. I don't know how true that is, and I plan on experimenting with that factor sometime soon, but I thought I'd give it a go. I put a little but of milk in to start with and stirred, so what I ended up with was a weird sort of brown, lumpy gloop. I know it doesn't sound attractive, it didn't really look it either, but there was still that little bit of me that thought "try it," so I did. I got my little teaspoon (incorrectly named, I suppose, since I mainly use them for coffee, but whatever. I also use them for yoghurt, but nobody calls them yoghurt spoons), I got a little bit on the tip, and I ate it. It wasn't the best, I wouldn't go out of my way to eat it, and the first thing that hit me was how really really bitter it was, but I could still taste the sugar and the milk in such a way that I guess it tasted a bit like a coffee milkshake, which I do like. I'd give it three stars, because the after-taste was rather pleasant. 
• I added quite a bit more milk, just to go for symmetry, really - really strong, really sweet, really milky. 
• Waaaaaaaaaaaateeeeerrrrrrrrrr... and stir. It took rather a lot of stirring to get rid of the floaty coffee pieces, and even then there were still a few, but they add to the flavour and I quite like them to be honest, I always have done. And then, I tasted. 

The Verdict: 

I really like this! It's strong, it's sweet, and it was instantly at the right temperature, which I owe to the milk. There's a lot of flavour in there, and the sweetness and the bitterness seem to have found the perfect balance, so it's just... amazing. maybe next time I'd have a little less sugar, and we're going to run out of coffee and milk pretty fast if I keep going at that rate, so I'm gonna have to cut those down too, but I really loved this coffee. It's the best I've had in a while. But coffee is the one thing I can have in pretty  much any form. You give it me without milk or sugar and I'll drink it without complaint. I'm really not fussed. In fact I should probably start taking it without sugar as standard. Ah well. 

I FINALLY DID IT!

No, no no. Not that 'it'. I blogged! Well, I video blogged. I vlogged!

The quality is terrible and I hate the sound of my own voice because it really does sound awful, but I'll learn.

"Fear" by S. Alexander

Fear is the basis of cowardice and cowardice is the opposite to courage, but fear is not the opposite to courage. In many cases, fear is even the basis of courage, and so it is an extraordinary thing.

Holy Musical B@man!

I.
Cannot.
WAIT!

Basically everything about this sure to be fantastic StarKid production is a top secret. They made everyone who went to the live show sign a contract saying that they wouldn't post anything about the show online. Everything, from the casting to the plot is 100% confidential. The best friends of the cast didn't even know that the show existed until they were in rehearsals! The whole thing has been kept a complete secret until a few months ago, and since then, the anticipation has been growing by the second. The live show is done with now, but still nobody knows when the show will be uploaded to YouTube. I wish there was some form of notification system that would let me know the second the first part is uploaded, because this is the first StarKid production I've known about from the start, and I'm dead set on being one of the first ones to see it!

The show should be uploaded to YouTube sometime this month, but the exact date is unknown. Hopefully when it gets closer to the time there'll be some form of count down.

I think Batman is probably going to be played by Dylan Saunders, and he's definitely muscular enough to pull it off, but knowing StarKid, I wouldn't be surprised if it was Lauren Lopez. Robin is probably Brian Holden, and I can totally imagine him in a Robin costume. I've been tipped off that Jim Povolo is probably the Penguin and I'm going to take her word for that. I'm not entirely sure who Harlequin is but at a guess I'd say it's probably Lauren Lopez if my guess at her being B@man is wrong, and Joe Walker is most likely to be playing the Joker, which I can really imagine and look forward to. Apparently Nick Lang has a lot more stage time in B@man, but basically the above list covers the extent of characters I know of, so after that, I can't even make guesses.

Until then, may we all live in anticipation and impatience. Au revoir.

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

It took me an unusual period of time to read this, but I'm kind of glad I stretched it out a little, even though I hadn't done so intentionally. This is the kind of thing that deserves to be savored, not rushed. I'd never really intended to read this until I started my 50 book challenge and several people suggested the trilogy. Only after that did I hear that they would soon be releasing the film adaptation, and of course there was the huge online flare of anticipation, and I really got the impression that this was a big deal. Unfortunately,due to my current financial situation, I couldn't just go out and buy these (although needless to say, as soon as I have the ability, I will be heading out to buy these, whether that's in two weeks or fifty), because at £8 per book, they're not really on the cheap end of the scale, despite the sales brought on by the hoe over the movie. Fortunately, I have amazing friends who are generous enough to lend me them. Let it be known, I owe a favour, and intend to owe two more in the near future.

This is a very powerful book. It won't be an eternal favourite of mine, but I can see myself reading it again in the future. The ending was a little disappointing, as I really don't like the tone of it, but it's bearable because the rest of the book more than made up for it.

The idea of the Hunger Games really sickens me. "Kill or be killed." That's the general idea behind it. The people who take part are mere children, and the whole thing is televised live to thousands of people who on the most part, see no error in this, and welcome it even. If this kind of thing actually happened, it would probably send the whole world into a panic. But really, this kind of thing does happen. It's not televised, I'm happy to say, but people are often put in the situation of killing in order to survive. It's animalistic and disgusting, but it happens. Then combine that with Big Brother, a TV show where contestants/housemates are locked into a confined space which is constantly monitored, and they have to vote eachoter out. I can see a lot of similarities here, and I don't like it. Don't misinterpret me here, I'm not trying to point out similarities just to say that they're similar, and I'm not having a go at Big Brother here, either. At least not a big one. What I'm saying is that both of these things are a loss of human rights, and people find entertainment in this? Personally I really don't see the attraction. Then add to that the factor of murdering each other. You see what I'm getting at? It's a damn good book because as we subconsciously realise these things as they are hinted at, we reach a mutual hatred of the Games with Katniss Evergreen, forming a bond with the narrating main character. It's genius really, and I have to credit the author to that.

I'd give this a rating of 9/10. It's remarkably good, and once I got into it I really couldn't put it down, but the ending was disappointing, and all the way through we have this emotional link to Gale, but it goes nowhere. I get the feeling that it leads somewhere in the sequel, but I still don't particularly like it, and I don't want it spoiling if you think you can give an explanation. NO SPOILERS FOR ME, THANKS!!

Just a Warning.

I can't see myself being terribly cheerful tomorrow.

How I Became Who I Am (the most recent stage)

Watch "Dear Future Charlie" on YouTube

As you're probably well aware, a huge part of what makes me who I am today is Nerfighteria, and watching old Charlieissocoollike videos this evening, I came across the above video. I'd seen it numerous times before, but one view stands out in my mind, because that view led me to become a Nerfighter.

Charlie's video features John Green, one of the two greatest minds behind Nerfighteria which started out as the Brotherhood 2.0 thing. I'm still obsessing over the fact that when this video first came out I was like "oh okay, it's a guy called John Green, no big deal," but then I watched it again some months later and thought "hmm, maybe he's interesting," and OH MY, HE CHANGED MY LIFE. One year after I watched this video for probably the second or third time, I can't imagine a world without John and Hank Green. They inspire me with every video, they influence the way I see the world and the way I talk and dress and communicate with people. They pull me out from emotional holes and convince me daily that learning is fun and I should do more of it. They let me know that it is okay to be the person who I really want to be. If I hadn't discovered Nerdfighters who gave me that confidence then I probably wouldn't even be wearing the watch I'm wearing today. I wouldn't have started my 50 book challenge and I certainly wouldn't have my awesome big board of stuff, which consists primarily of Nerdfighter representatives. I probably wouldn't even call myself a nerd. This is who I am, and the strength of their influence on me has vastly improved my life.

So you know what? Don't Forget To Be Awesome, because I don't think I ever will forget.

Indecisive

I can't think what to blog about, so this'll do...

Oh, Hello

I can't be bothered to be interesting today.

Sorry.

You.

I hate you.
I hate the way your hair falls.
I hate the way you smile.
I hate how when you talk to me,
I'm happy for a while.
I hate how when you compliment me
You seem to mean what you say,
And my god this frustrates me
In far too many ways.
If frustrates me because you do mean it.
It frustrates me because you're there when I fall.
It frustrates me becuase we'd be great together.
If frustrates me because I don't hate you at all.


If all else perished and you remained, I should still continue to be. If all else remained and you were anihilated, the universe would turn to an almighty stranger. And so you shall never know how I love you, and that not because you're handsome but because you're more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, yours and mine are the same. You are always, always in my mind. Not as a pleasure any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being. And yet we are not destined to be together. We'll be friends, I'm well aware, for a very long time to come, but I'm afraid my friend, that that is all we may ever be.

Hi.

I missed a post yesterday. I apologise. Feel free to punish me. I'm happy right now. I don't care.

Speaking

I'm not looking forward to my speaking exam at all. A writing exam I could do quite easily, but not speaking. I don't know what's the matter with me, but on the subject of French exams, I just can't do speaking exams. It's not that I don't want to - I want nothing more right now than to actually do a speaking exam and for it to go well. Unfortunately that is never going to happen. I can learn the material with relative ease, and I could write it with minimal stress. But sit me down with a voice recorder in front of me and tell me to speak and you won't get a word out of me. I'll try my hardest because this isn't stubborness, and it's not shyness. It's just that when I sit in that room, any room or any situation, I physically can't. Tell me to write it instead and I'll have no problem, and I reckon that I could get a pretty decent grade from that. I just can't speak it. I can do it minimally in practice, although it still isn't easy, but when I have to do it right, my throat goes dry, my head feels heavy and my mind goes blank.
I've been told to do speaking because it's the largest area I could improve in, and that's all very well and good, but it's not that simple. I know that I can't do speakings - I've tried numerous times and I just seem to be getting worse at it. Say that I've been getting E's on my speaking and C's on my writing. Sure, logically I have the potential to improve my grade massively, but I'm not going to. I've tried the positive attitude and stuff, but let's face facts, when it comes to speaking, I stink. It's my kryptonite. Exams in general I'm fine with. I hardly ever get stage fright. I'm awesome. But speaking exams take away my cool. Putting me in for another speaking is like telling Superman to go and bathe in kryptonite. He'd be much better off in water, just as I'd be much better off doing writing.
Say that I do speaking and don't improve my grade at all, which is the most likely outcome without a doubt. My overall grade doesn't change. But then say that I do writing instead. I'm more comfortable here. I can do this. I improve my grade by a few marks. It's not much but it's a lot more of an improvement than I'd get if I did the speaking exam.
Furthermore, I can barely speak English at the minute, nevermind French.
I give up. Goodnight.

"David?"

 I'm going to celebrate two people called David today, and one called John.

First, David Tennant, and part one of John Barrowman. The above video makes me laugh so much, and I keep watching it and watching it over and over... It makes me so happy.

Part 2! John Barrowman is NOT 50 like it was previously suggested, he is 45 and looking good, as I think you'll agree.

 Part 3, happy birthday to David Thewlis, who I idolise as an actor and a person. There's not reallya lot more I can say, really... Happy 49th, David!

Moustache Addiction

I don't know why I like them, I just do. They're cool, I know that much... and I suit the adhesive ones to the point where people forget I don't actually have one. I love wearing them, I don't know what it is about it but when I'm wearing one, I just feel so good, and I love that feeling so much that I would go out of my way to wear one because I just feel so awesome when I do.

It's not just that, either. I know a good moustache when I see one, and some guys are massively improved by a little facial hair. Obviously it makes a lot of guys look stupid, and I have to actually like the guy before I can allow myself to like the facial hair, but if they can pull it off, me gusta.

Example 1:  Brain Holden is a very, very attractive man in his natural state. He's good looking, charismatic, funny, and a brilliant actor. But then slap a moustache on him and...

It may not work for you, but it damn-well works for me. But wait...



Ignoring the text (which is a quote from the show), you stick him in a waistcoat, and tadaaa! I'm happy. May I point out that he's raising one eyebrow here, too?


Example 2: The young Paul Simon. Pictured below (left) with the other half of his double act, Art Garfunkel (right), who we'll discuss in a minute.

Note how young and fresh-faced he is. He appears sweet and innocent yet with an edge to his personality which a lot of people find very attractive. But during his days with a moustache and a little bit of a beard...

I have mixed opinions on this. On the one hand, I like. But on the other hand... It wasn't always so good.



This was not a good look for him. At all. Let's move on.

Example 3: Art Garfunkel. I can't deny that I really rather like the younger Garfunkel, at least up to the mid 80's. I can't describe him with any justice and I'll only embarrass myself by trying so I'll let the pictures do the talking.

I'd never seen the above image until I searched for a decent picture just now and let me tell you, I like it a lot. NERD GLASSES!!! This makes me so happy I can't even tell you. Anyway, you see, a perfectly lovely image. But what I'm about to show you may disturb you. I can only find one example of the monstrosity on the internet, and I do not intend to go looking for it again. Brace yourself.

.
.
.
.
.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the Supertash. Bear in mind that it is also combined with an orange turtle-neck jumper. I wouldn't normally have a problem with this but I have to say, blonde moustaches should not exist. Light brown I'll accept. But blonde? No. just no, and certainly not on the wonderful Art. But don't worry, he's still awesome to me for even trying that look, and being brave enough to go on telly like that. Gotta love him.

Gotta Blog...

I love my friends. And I'll always do my best to talk them around to things when they need cheering up. But giving love advice to the guy I love seems a little strange to me...

This Isn't Good.

I would like to point out immediately that unlike some of my recent posts, I am currently calm. However, this is not necessarily a good thing.

I have a lot to do in the next week.

I have to learn my French paragraph to write on Wednesday.
I have to finish reading Wuthering Heights in the hope that I'll fully understand the context of the extract I'm reading for the showcase.
I have to learn the extract I'm reading for the showcase, word for word.
I have to put emotions into the extract and practice it.
I have to finish my Media and DT coursework before Easter break or I'll get no grade at all.
I have to stay on top of all school work and homework.
I have to stay calm and not freak out immediately.

I've lulled myself into a false sense of security, when I actually should be freaking out. However I enjoy the calm ne more than the freaked out horrified and stressed me, so I'm just taking this at my own pace.

Piss Off.

I do not enjoy being controlled. It is no secret that I have certain habits, tendencies and preferences, and should anyone disrupt or get in the way of those, I'm not likely to be happy about that.
These things come in many different variations. For example, every night, I listen to music directly before I go to sleep. It's usually just one or two songs to relax me before I sleep, and I then leave my headphones plugged into my phone so I don't have to mess around with taking them out, wrapping them up and turning over again and again to get comfy. When my parents get fucking finicky about me not going on the internet and confiscate my headphones, it throws me off, and I don't like this at all. I'm trying to diffuse my anger by blogging about it but the tension in my chest is building and it's getting harder to restrain it. At some point in the very near future I'm going to want to break something unless I get my relaxing music.
Argh fuck off life.

Posted this morning because my internet is pure shit.

This.

You don't belong.
You've got to work.
Work harder.
You don't fit in.
You're inadequate.
They don't care.
You need to do more.
Pain isn't important. If they can't feel it, it doesn't matter.
You're going to fail.
You can't do it.
You're a failure.
You're no good.
You're just embarassing the world.
You can't do anything.
Nobody cares.
Nobody wants you.
You're worthless.


They're not necessarily thoughts that you're thinking consciously, but they're all there somewhere. All of these thoughts are closing in on you, pressing down into your mind, forcing you down to a tiny ball on the mud of the Earth. You feel like you're about two inches tall, and the pain of the rejection and insignificance is unbearable. You want to die, but you're not even strong enough to make it happen. You're too much of a coward to ask someone else to. You think you're selfish. You realise it's not death you want, it's just a release from the world you live in, the world that torments you, is too much for you every day. You can't find any sort of release yourself, so you do the next best thing. You curl up on your bed, put some calming music through your headphones and cry, and pray that nobody will find you.


The headphones are playing an old album. It's familiar, like a childhood home. The lyrics speak meaning, but you only hear the harmonic melodies and the beautiful instrumental. It's calming. It allows you to breathe a little clearer, although the weight on your chest still persists. You're calmer, but still not back to normal. It's just a beautiful mendacity.


The world of the internet brings you back to your senses, and you begin to talk to people. People who have no idea what's just been going through your mind. There's a huge difference between the expressions you type and the expression on your face. They can't pick up on that though. You distract yourself with mindless banter. It's better than your natural affliction of thoughts. As you talk, you write. You write fiction at first, trying to escape into the world of someone else's life, but through this medium you can't express what you truly want to. You switch to a blog. This is better. Here you can express everything, so long as your vocabulary allows it. You write everything. You write not to get a message across to others, but to get it across to yourself. This is your way to get things off your chest, and you can feel it getting lighter inside you. You can feel the end of this passage, but you know it'll all happen again sooner or later.


You think over what you've just written, but never read back, in fear of relivig it too vividly. The pain is still lingering, ever-present on the tassles of your mind. What you think you've written sounds good. It's easy to reflect upon. You might have to come back and re-read this someday. But not now. The music is still playing, still calming. It's a chain that stops you from floating off into space. It's keeping you in check.
You want to sleep now. You're done with writing. So you stop.


It's peaceful.

It's Not Good

I can feel myself getting more and more stressed. My mind is getting cloudy and overpopulated, and it's having a very negative effect on me. My usual stress relief strategies aren't working. My never-fail song to make me smile failed today. I couldn't get through the first verse of The Sound of Silence before I gave up, and my usual relaxing shower made me frustrated in ways that I have no idea how. I don't have a good book to focus on, I'm under a lot of pressure from school to memorize a lot of information, and I'm doing so much for the next theatre showcase that I'm really starting to feel the strain.
I'm not complaining on the showcase front. I volunteered to do all of it, and I will do it all. I've got most of the stuff memorized, and I was pretty confident up until the last session. I've been given an extract from Wuthering Heights to perform, and I'm so glad I got it because really I wanted it when he offered other the first time to someone else. Now it's mine and I can't wait. It's quite long so memorizing it word for word might prove a little tricky, but I'm sure my determination will get me through. I still need to polish off The Tenancy of Skin, but I know how I'm gonna do that now, and there's a few points on the Young Love scripts that aren't perfect yet, but I know they'll be simple enough. Then I said I'd do a sonnet, which to be honest worries me a little, but if I have too much trouble with it I can always just not do it.
I can't believe we get to do the Sound of Silence. I can't explain how excited I am. Of course I'm a little nervous, but I'd be worried if I wasn't, for nerves shows how much you care about something, and I damn well need to get this right.
I'm really feeling theatres though. I know it'll all turn out fine, so this is getting ridiculous. I need to sleep, because I'm pretty sure insomnia wouldn't help me at all right now. Night.

THERE ARE YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN UP AND DOWN THE LAND WHO HAPPILY (OR UNHAPPILY) TELL ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN THAT THEY DON’T HAVE AN ACADEMIC TURN OF MIND, OR THAT THEY AREN’T LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH A GOOD MEMORY, AND YET CAN RECITE HUNDREDS OF POP LYRICS AND REEL OFF ANY AMOUNT OF INFORMATION ABOUT FOOTBALLERS. WHY? BECAUSE THEY ARE INTERESTED IN THOSE THINGS. THEY ARE CURIOUS. IF YOU ARE HUNGRY FOR FOOD, YOU ARE PREPARED TO HUNT HIGH AND LOW FOR IT. IF YOU ARE HUNGRY FOR INFORMATION IT IS THE SAME. INFORMATION IS ALL AROUND US, NOW MORE THAN EVER BEFORE IN HUMAN HISTORY. YOU BARELY HAVE TO STIR OR INCOMMODE YOURSELF TO FIND THINGS OUT. THE ONLY REASON PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW MUCH IS BECAUSE THEY DO NOT CARE TO KNOW. THEY ARE INCURIOUS. INCURIOSITY IS THE ODDEST AND MOST FOOLISH FAILING THERE IS.

~ The Fry Chronicles

Oh I'l expand on this. Maybe not today, but some day.

I'm Boring, But It's Who I Am.

I accept it. I'm boring. I'm not entirely happy about it if I'm honest, but what choice do I have? I'm boring, this blog is boring, I'm boring to talk to, I'm just generally not that great at anything in particular. But It's who I am. I can't change it, it'd be pointless to even try. The best I can't hope for now is some guy who likes boring girls.

I Know...

I was going to post a meaningful post tonight and I have one half written but then I got distracted, I wrote half a decent post, and now I'm too tired and I don't have time to finish it. This is it for tonight.

Au Revoir.

Reasonably bad day for speech and awkwardness, great day for results. Two A's and a B for English, and an A and a B for French. I'm tired, I've been watching A Very Potter Musical all night and thinking about the moon. Nothing exciting. I promise to make an intereting post tomorrow. Promise.

This Is Not Last Minute.

Okay so maybe it is. I can't he bothered to put anything meaningful into this post today so I'm just gonna sum up my day.

I like it when people decide to come to see a performance I'm in. It makes me feel proud that I'm doing something that I love and other people can appreciate, and bearing that in mind, I went to see through school performance of Beauty and the Beast. I couldn't recall the plot at all, and I'm still a little confused, but I get the gist now, and the show was brilliant.

It's not been a bad day for my speech loss, but I'm still noticing it a lot more than usual. I'm afraid that teachers might think that I just don't listen if they ask me a question and I can't answer it, so I'm planning on seeing my head of year tomorrow. Of course my fear on that matter is that I'll get in there and I won't be able to speak, so I'll probably require some sort of backup in there, just in case.

I'm also worried about the speed I'm reading books at. I haven't read one for a week and I'm afraid that I'm going to fail my 50 book challenge. 

Wish me luck.

SUCCESS!

Yes! Finally! I'm helping someone to improve their fanfiction!! Ahh, I'm so tired and I'm not well at all...

If you're here from the Facebook page...

Welcome to my strange world. There's no going back now. Muahahahahahaaaa... Anyway, thanks for being interested.

The first few posts you'll see as you scroll down are kinda boring, but trust me, it gets better.

Social Awkwardness: Stage 2

Except I don't think it is a stage two.

In a lot of ways, I've really come out of my shell in the past few years, but my occasional inability to form a coherent sentence is fast becoming more and more... less... occasional. Pun intended.

But seriously, I've been in a lot more frequent situations where I find myself unable to actually speak, and  I can't even tell you whether I'm able to make noises when I'm in these situations, because it's never occurred to me to try, although I'd imagine I'm usually capable. It's not a loss of voice I experience, it's just a lack of words, and especially after today, quite honestly, I'm a bit scared. I explained this to my mum and she suggested going to the doctors, and I think it might be a good idea.

This sort of thing only tends to happen in speech, but I can't really narrow it down to any sort of situation. The most recent and common occurrences are when I'm explaining or justifying things, but it's so common when I'm just in a normal conversation. It's been suggested that it might be worsening when I'm tired or stressed, which would explain why I've been so terrible today. with the awkward and the silence and the oh my God, why is my mind not producing words?

Ugh. I'm actually having trouble writing right now, but tat might just be because I really am tired and stressed. Peace off.

Zzz.

I'm so tired. Goodnight.

Blog Challenge: I Haven't Done One of These in a While.

The Challenge: If you could dedicate a day to a good cause, what would it be, and what would the day consist of? 

To answer this, I thought for about ten minutes straight about what means a lot to me. The first thing I thought about was my family, but then I realised that there's already Mother's Day and Father's Day, and well we really don't need another commercial holiday. I considered a lot of things after that - Nerdfighteria, a Harry Potter day, a day of the dead sort of thing to commemorate those who have left us, plus loads more, but none of them seemed possible and most of my ideas had been done already, so I guess they were never my ideas anyway. But thinking more about what it means to be me, I recalled this photo, which coincidentally I posted on Facebook just hours previously. 

In the files on my computer, I called this photo "Vital to life". I know that I've gone on and on throughout various posts on this blog about how much I value individuality and how nobody else's opinion should matter as long as you're happy with yourself, so I'm not going to do yet another version here. But this picture really does mean a lot to me. First off, I love the design, and the image itself has beautiful meaning even without the quote. I don't want to ramble on about this, so I'm going to leave this explanation here and let you make up your own opinion on it, and get on with my challenge. 

My day would be a charity day, orientated to get people to admit who they really are inside. If an old woman wanted to be a dancer for a day, the charity would find a way to make it happen for her. If a person wants to come out to the world, this would be an ideal opportunity. They could just wake up in the morning and be themselves. In schools and workplaces, people would wear what they want to wear, be exactly who they want to be, and if they want to carry on being that person forever, then that's who they'll be. I know there are so many flaws in this plan, but this is just what I'd want in an ideal world. I want a world where people can be who they want to be without being judged. 

The following song seemed fitting. Either way, there's always time for a bit of REM.

The Bermudez Triangle by Maureen Johnson

The Bermudez Triangle is going straight onto my shelf of brilliant books. I've already expressed my love for Maureen Johnson in general, and with every book of hers I read, I fall a little bit further in love with her, in a brilliant kind of way.

Based around a year in the lives of three teenage girls who've been friends since preschool, it's a totally relatable novel. The characters are fantastic; they are so easy to get a feel for, they're funny in their own ways, and like most teenagers, their emotions are all over the place. It's well written, truly enchanting, and if I could have read the entire thing without putting it down I would have done so a hundred times by now.

Blurb: "Nina Bermudez, who TiVos every episode of Trading Spaces because watching people rip down bad decorations soothes her. Avery Dekker, who worships Jack Black but has learned to play Billy Joel's Piano Man by heart just so that she can hate it in detail. Melanie Forrest (a.k.a Mel), who inspires guys to develop instantaneous, epic crushes - the kind that cause them to want to iron their clothes and listen to the lyrics of slow songs. Lifelong best friends Nina, Avery and Mel fave their first separation the summer before their senior year, when Nina attends a ten week program at Stanford. But how much can happen in ten weeks? Plenty, it seems. Nina finds herself blindsided by Steve, the adorable ecowarrior down the hall. Too bad he lives in Oregon and she's from upstate New York. When the Stanford trip ends, she has to wait 8,736 hours before she can see him again. At least she'll soon he reunited with Mel and Avery. But Nina isn't the only one whose life was turned upside down in ten weeks. While Nina was gone, Mel had her first real kiss. With Avery."

This book touches on a lot of issues which nearly every teenager will go through at least some of - friendship, love, sexuality, parents, work... It's almost a guide to curving teen years, except Mel, Avery and Nina are hardly experts in these fields. I really loved every word of it, plus the cover on my edition is waterproof too, making it instantly more awesome. I'd rate it 7/10 and highly recommend it.

Interpreting Lyrics: The Sound of Silence

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls"
And whispered in the sounds of silence

Written and performed by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel respectively.

We'll start with verse two, because most of the first is in the present tense, so we'll be going back to it at the end. 

The restless dream refers to being in a world where everything is happy and you don’t know what is going on in real life, but it’s restless because there is a part of you that knows something is wrong and that bit just won’t shut up. The narrow street of cobblestone is narrow because there isn’t room to think, and it’s uneven ground that he’s finding hard to walk down. Nobody else is coming down this road because he’s the only person who can see this street and can fit down it, but then the light comes in, and underneath the halo of a street-lamp (a holy light), and under that light he sees a man less fortunate than him he tries to turn his collar to it so it can’t affect him as he chooses to ignore him, because nobody cares what anybody else thinks - society is about keeping yourself to yourself - so the man probably wouldn't let him help him if he tried. But then his eyes are stabbed by the flash of a neon light as he feels the pain of knowing that he’s been lied to all of his life, and it hurts to know that he’s been kept away from the truth. The flash of the neon light gives him the enlightenment and the realisation that life isn't as it seems and that it isn't all happy. If we think of the rest of the people as living in their own little silent bubbles, too afraid to talk to each other and not caring for each other’s opinions, then  when his enlightenment ‘splits the night’, it pops the bubble of silence which surrounds him and makes him see how unhappy people truly are.  We see the silence as some kind of entity which is controlling the people, stopping them from communicating and isolating them from society. Paul Simon here becomes the only man who sees past the silence and is now in control of his own life and destiny.

The ‘naked light’ refers to the same stage of realisation, but it’s clear to him now because he can see what’s going on.  The ten thousand people that he sees are the people being controlled, who are still wrapped in their own silent bubbles, talking without speaking and hearing without listening because they’re not realising the actual depth of their words, not seeing the consequences of their actions and words, not realising the misconception they have been led to believe by the silent entity. They are so controlled by the silence that they don’t think their own thoughts, cannot say what they truly believe. The fact that he says they’re 'writing songs that voices never share' shows that they are starting to think that something’s not right in their society but at the same time, part of their mind is not their own. They’re being controlled so strongly that they can’t think for themselves, its not that they’re choosing not to believe the truth, but more that they physically can’t as they’ve been brainwashed by the silence and they daren’t do anything other than what the silence has told them to do, as it says, 'and no one dared disturb the sound of silence'. If the people tried to escape, they could potentially run away from the problem but they daren’t because there would be no one to guide them as everyone thinks the same, no one could save them. The only person who believes differently to everyone else is Paul Simon.

Simon says ‘Fools, you do not know silence like a cancer grows’. He refers to cancer as a parasite, it will kill them because it gets into their system and grows bigger and bigger until it destroys everything. The silence will infect them and control them so much that it kills them slowly - they need to escape while they can. He says ‘hear my words that I might teach you and take my arms that I might reach you’ in a bid to save the people, telling them that if they listen to him and reach out to him then he can save them, pulling them away from the silence and taking them to a better place where they can be their own people. But his words fall like silent raindrops, showing that the people ignored him, as the silence has already infected them so badly that they cannot focus on what he is saying and do not believe him. The words are falling heavy as the raindrops fall a long way, into 'the wells of silence', the wells that have been created by the silent entity of thoughts of the people who tried to escape, and all of those thoughts are pooling in a well, a well which fills and never drains, but a well provides sustenance where it cannot otherwise be found, so the well is holding the wishes to escape and preserving them, building up a reserve, and the well could potentially eventually create a light. But for the time being, they will echo; hitting things but never entering them, trapped in an enclosed space, and like every echo, it has the potential to fade away into nothing.

'The people bowed and prayed to the neon god they made' refers to the idea that the silence planted, and they have relied on so much that it has become somewhat of a god to them, something for them to worship and pray to. The sign is flashing in their peripheral vision, trying to pull them away to the light, it is warning them that there is something better that is just within their reach, but it is in the places that they never look, hidden. It is saying that 'the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls and tenement halls,' because the things that are most important are the things that we usually walk past without thinking about, so the messages written on the walls of the subway by people that nobody pays any attention to because they aren’t behaving in a normal fashion, but the things that they aren’t noticing are written by prophets, prophets other than the silent entity who control them, prophets with the actual right idea who could save them all. But of course nobody listens to them. They're the crazy people who write on subway walls. But the words are also 'whispered in the sounds of silence', which I assume is a sign that the silent entity is breaking down. 

And so we return to the first verse. The first line, 'hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk to you again' are the only two lines in the present tense, and personally I think them to be possibly the most important ones. Basically what I believe him to be saying when he says this is that after all of the above has happened, after he's noticed it all, what he's saying in the whole first verse is that he's gone back to the darkness and confronting it and the silence about it. The whole of the rest of the song is what he's saying to the darkness. He's telling it that a vision 'softly creeping' planted a vision which 'still remains within the sound of silence', then goes on throughout the song to talk about this vision, and how he knows how they're controlling people and that he's spreading the word. This gives the last line a lot more power, which says that the words of the prophets are also being 'whispered in the sounds of silence', which I take to mean that he's planted the seed of doubt in the brains of the silent entity, and they're beginning to doubt their power. At the risk of sounding like a cliché, it is the sign of hope for humanity on the horizon.

Inferred by Rach and Dev. 

Ah.

I have a maths exam in three days which I am in no way prepared for. So what am I doing? Well, I'm not doing my biology homework, which I should be, and I'm not revising maths like I definitely should be. I'm.reading and regretting being such a magnet for procrastination.

"It is the quality of one's convictions which determines success, not the number of followers."

~ Remus Lupin - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2.

The Cuteness Attraction

Watch "Cute OVERLOAD: The Ultimate Concern Edition" on YouTube

The above video needs to be watched before any attempt to read this post is made. I don't care if you don't like the people that made it, just watch it.

Done? Good. The above video is probably my favourite video on YouTube, ever. It's entertaining, it raises points which made me think enough to write this post (this is my third attempt now because every time I turn the screen off it erases everything) and have you SEEN how cute it is? Not just Henry, but the relationship between the father and son. It's a relationship I'm personally familiar with, as I have a great relationship with both of my parents, and yet it seems so rare nowadays what with all of the media coverage of abusive and neglecting parents. I'm so happy for Henry and John, because Henry will grow up with a parent who noms him and showers him with love and affection, whereas there are some parents who leave their children defenceless at a young age, with no money or food. Thankfully, the vast majority of parents worldwide make a conscious effort to make their primary concern the wellbeing of their children.

I always try to make sure that my parents know that I love and appreciate them and everything they've done for me over the years, because I find it difficult to comprehend how many people don't appreciate their parents at all, and take them for granted. My dad saved my life when I was a few days old by freeing my airways when I stopped breathing. I have no recollection of this event at all, and yet I feel like I owe him something for that. Of course I'll always be in the debt of my parents. Hardly anybody seems to realise that as John mentioned, when a child is born, something clicks inside the parents that makes them want to change nappies and give up half of their income to feed another mouth. Without our parents, we just wouldn't last. They go out to work for us, they make sacrifices for us, they feed, clothe and advise us. In many respects, they tend to be completely selfless for our sakes. We need them, and most of us are lucky to have even one of them.

Family should always be a primary concern, or at least one of them, among world preservation for the protection of our species and the planet. I'd love to love in a world where money didn't exist. In my perfect world without money, there'd be far fewer fights and wars, nobody would go hungry and everything would be shared out equally. Of course I realise that this wouldn't actually work out. We'd end up resorting back to the world where the fittest survive, basically it would be a devolution. We would devolve into a species where the strongest got the best shelter and the first pick of the food. The old and weak would starve, get kicked out of their homes and die. The strongest would battle for the highest ranks, basically rendering us to some primeval, inhuman species. They say that money is the root of all evil but really it's the root of all good, too. Financial stability is high on my list of wishes for the future, because the world really wouldn't work without money, and you can't survive out there without it. Yet another reason I'm very grateful for my working parents.

I think I love this video because it makes me happy. If makes me grateful for what I have, and yes; the cuteness overload is definitely a scoring factor. Henry is cute, John is cute in a weird way, and the interaction between them is definitely cute. There's also something about this which really makes me want to become a writer, just so I can work from home really, and wear pyjamas well into the middle of the day.

Let It Snow by John Green, Maureen Johnson and Lauren Myracle

Let It Snow is a book co-written by three brilliant authors. Split into three sub-stories, each author wrote an individual story, with characters and events interlinking to help each story along.

"Sparkling white snowdrifts... Beautiful presents wrapped in ribbons, and multicoloured lights glittering in the night through the falling snow. A Christmas Eve snowstorm transforms one small then into a romantic haven, the kind you only see in movies. Well, kinda. After all, a cold and wet hike from a stranded train through the middle of nowhere would not normally end with a delicious kiss with a charming stranger. And one would think that a trip tp the Waffle House through four feet of snow would lead to love with an old friend. Or that the way back to true love starts with a painfully early morning shift at Starbucks. Thanks to three of today's best-selling teen authors - John Green, Maureen Johnson and Lauren Myracle - the magic of the holidays shines on these hilarious and charming interconnected tales of love, romance and breathtaking kisses."

The plot is surprisingly easy to follow,and it's easy to become attached to these reliable yet humerous characters. There's not really a lot to say about this book without giving away plot points, so I'll keep it simple; it's a brilliant read. I'd recommend it, especially around Christmas, and so I give it a rating of 6/10.

Argh.

I don't know what's wrong. Nothing is particularly bad, but right now all I want to do is swear at people who piss me if even in the smallest ways. I'm getting really irritated over nothing. I'm being lazy, I know I'm going to regret it, yet I don't give a shit. All I want to fucking do is swear and chill, because this isn't me and I'm kinda scared that this is is becoming me. I hate ignorant people, and yes I can class myself in there sometimes. I'm fucking trying to be a good person and a decent student, but it's just not fucking happening tonight, is it? My guitar's out of tune but I can't play anything anyway. My whole being is telling that I can't he fucking arsed to get up and do something with my life, except this one tiny piece of my brain that's able to be rational, and making me blog to get it out. But to be honest, I've been writing this post for five probably ten minutes now and I don't fell any difference at all. I want to be one or the other, an idiot so I can hate myself or rational so I can try to deal with this. I want to fucking feel something instead of being stuck in my head with the conflict and the hell.

I'm going in the shower. Maybe that'll help me decide.

Pancake Day

Today is the day we celebrate the memory of all the pancakes that died for our sins.

God bless the pancake.

Hi, My Name is Rach, and I'm a Bookaholic.

As you may be aware, this year I have set myself the target of reading 50 books before the New Year's countdown. I'm going to review every book I read, good or bad, although I can't promise I'll finish all of the ones I start.

I know a lot of people don't like reading, which I accept straight off, but I just have to argue when people say that reading is boring. For me, there is no better way to relax than with a good book. Of course what defines a good book differs with the genre, but obviously clichés are a no-go, so overdone themes like vampires, werewolves and zombies are generally something to avoid, as much potential as they may have, which is usually nothing. But once I find a good book, a series or just an author in general, it's a good idea, especially for the purposes of this project, to stick to it. As I've found, John Green and Maureen Johnson are extremely good authors, and as I've read pretty much all of JG's work, I'm aiming to do the same for MJ.

A good book relaxes me. There seems to be something so beneficial about just sitting down and escaping life for a little while, and nothing compares to that for me. I'd rather read than watch most of the things on TV. I'd rather snuggle up in bed and read myself to sleep every night than go to parties every night. I'd also rather read than do homework, which I guess is where the positive aspects end, at least in respect for my grades.

I'm not sure what the exact purpose of this project is, but certainly some of the outcomes include building my knowledge on great literature, fleshing out my bookcase, and getting back into the phase where I read and I read, and I just form a little bubble where nothing else matters. It's ridiculously brilliant for me, on some levels. Of course I'm still going to be social. I'm not stupid enough to sacrifice everything for this - I'm just doing something that I enjoy. 

I do worry sometimes, that I'm too oblivious for my own good. I'm really bad at taking hints, assessing social situations and talking to people. I'm drawing back into my shell and although I'm trying my hardest to understand, you've just got to take your time with me, and I'm truly sorry for the inconveniences and if you ever feel like snapping at me, I won't blame you, in fact I'll probably learn from it. I completely understand if you feel that I'm not capable of understanding your situation and sometimes I give my opinion when you really don't want to hear it, but just know that I'm always here, always willing to listen and help to guide. I love you dudes, and if you just open up, maybe you'll see that I'm not that bad once I know what's going on. I might be biased and as I learned tonight, unhelpful, but I'm trying. I just can't escape my bloody stupid head.

Just a Quickie...

I know I don't have to blog on Sundays, but I like to. I had one planned out, too, I just didn't get around to actually writing it. It's a shame really because I've been planning it since Saturday morning. Anyway...

I have an interview at Ridgewood sixth form tomorrow which I'm really nervous about. I've never had an interview before, and I can tell I'm not going to do well. Panic, I can assure you, is a certainty.

In other news, this morning/afternoon (it was morning to me), mum and I devised an excellent recipe for a banana milkshake. For two servings, it's one banana, chopped into a blender, quite a lot of milk, around half a pint or something, I'm not good with measurements, and where most people would add vanilla icecream, we added strawberry cheesecake flavour. It was definitely the best milkshake I've ever had, and I really, really want another one. It'd be interesting to try it with actual strawberry cheesecake as opposed to the icecream, but either way, it's incredible. You get this amazing balance of strawberry and banana, with the irresistible added bonus of the biscuit base. The icecream itself was to die for, but you throw it into the banana milkshake and you have heaven right there in a glass.

The Name of the Star by Maureen Johnson

I accept and apologise that this post is late but I literally just finished reading this book,  and I can confirm, it is a drastic improvement from the last book I reviewed.

I read The Name of the Star in a matter of hours, because I simply could not put it down. I think I put it down five times, each time brief, and during those breaks (toilet, food, socializing with parents etc, the necessary stuff) the book and its contents barely left my brain. Needless to say, this is an astonishingly good read. It is entrancing, mortifying, funny, all the things a good book should be. I can't find one criticism on it. Not one, although I'm discounting 'it scared the living daylight out of me' as a negative point, because it just adds to the effect.

Blurb: "Louisiana teenager Rory Deveaux flies to London for the start of a new life at boarding school. But her arrival is overshadowed by a sudden outbreak of brutal murders, gruesome crimes mimicking the horrific work of Jack the Ripper. 'Rippermania' grabs hold of London, and the police are stumped with few leads and no witnesses. Except one. Rory has seen their prime suspect on the school grounds. But her friend Jazza didn't see anyone. So why could only Rory see him? And what is he planning to do next? In this edge-of-your-seat thriller, full of suspense and romance, Rory discovers the secrets of London and the truth about her own shocking abilities, as Jack the Ripper returns..."

It has every potential to be full of clichés, bad puns and tragic characters, but it has none of these. It's well and truly gripping, and at no point while reading it did I feel the need to groan and/or roll my eyes. The characters are new and interesting yet completely relatable, even if in unconventional ways. I found the viewpoint of an American teenager submerged in British culture to be hilarious in the most subtle aspects, and it is instantly obvious that a LOT of research went into this novel, seeing as the author is American herself.

The idea of Jack the Ripper is instantly chilling to anyone who has even heard of him, although I instantly relate the Ripper and this book to the Yorkshire Ripper, a figure I am much more familiar with. This also opened my eyes a little to the fact that terrible things can and do happens at completely unpredicted points in time and space, because there are maniacs out there. However this is not just about the Ripper. It's far more interesting than that. But I don't want to ruin it for you...

Look for The Name of the Star in Waterstones around World Book Day, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. That is, unless you follow Maureen Johnson on Twitter, in which case you'll just be pleasant. I do advise that you follow MJ on Twitter, she's not that hard to find, but she's brilliant, in that she's completely insane and yet genius. I am not ashamed to admit that I stalk her a little on Twitter. I CAN'T HELP IT! She Tweets constantly and they never fail to be entertaining. Plus I don't think she minds... DFTBA.

Oh, and I rate this book as 9/10. I took off a mark because it scared me shitless.

The Abused Werewolf Rescue Group by Catherine Jinks

Although technically either the second or third book I've read in 2012, this wasn't the best start to my search for a great book.

"When Tobias Vandevelde wakes up in hospital with no memory of the night before, he is told that he was found unconscious. In a zoo pen. (naked, I might add.) The doctor rules out epilepsy and Toby's prank-loving friends are just as freaked out as he is. Then the wild-eyed Reuben turns up talking in hushed tones about Toby being a werewolf. Reuben's pale, insomniac friends seem equally convinced and offer to chain him up every full moon. They also claim to be part of some vampire support group. This has to be a joke - right? It's only when he's kidnapped, imprisoned and in desperate need of rescuing that Toby begins to believe them. Hamster-drinking Vampires, vulnerable werewolves and accidental zombies? Welcome to the bizarre world of the abused werewolf rescue group."

That is the ACTUAL blurb. I don't know if it's just me, but it sounds insane. It IS insane, by all accounts.

It's definitely a children's book, or at least early teens. It's not necessarily a bad book - it kept me entertained and engrossed at least a little, but it seems to me now that books on werewolves are over done, books on vampires are certainly even more over done, and although books on zombies aren't quite as popular, when you throw them into a book which already contains werewolves and vampires, it becomes a little too much.

Admittedly, the vampires and the zombies don't play a huge part in it until the last six chapters - around three quarters of the way through, in fact, but werewolves themselves aren't actually a huge feature either, aside from the issues they raise and the main character wondering whether he is or isn't a werewolf, a species which may or may not exist, and until half way through, nothing exciting happens at all. After this point, it's intriguing, but past a certain point, all of the characters and the species involved get confusing as they start merging and cross-breeding. When his mother re-enters the book, I almost wanted to stop reading because of how unbearably irritating I found her to be. Then right at the end, spoiler alert, the last chapter is the most clichéd, boring end to an otherwise bearable novel I have ever read. After Toby and his mother FINALLY accept that he may in fact be a werewolf, he plays it off as "yeah this is my life now, it's cool, I don't care about my friends any more" and then we see one of the two worst ways to end a book, one of which, the 'it was all a dream' ending, I must credit the author for not using. However, she did use the equally as terrible ending, the 'this is me talking into a voice recorder, and I'm going to have it published' scenario, as if this is not a terrible novel for children, but actually a "thinly disguised piece of non-fiction".

At the end of the book, the last few pages consists of an extract from a prequel or sequel (I can't tell) to this book, which I read two pages of before I became so mind-numbingly bored I wanted to chew my own face off.

My verdict? I would not read this again or recommend it for anyone who is not a twelve year old boy. It's not a bad book, it's just not a particularly good one either. Two stars. Full of clichés and bad stereotypes, it is not a good read for someone interested in werewolves. However, it will sit on my bookcase as part of my werewolf book collection which I am slowly forming.

Giving Up My Search

For the past two weeks or so, I've devoted a shocking amount of time to finding a particular Vlogbrothers video, or more specifically, the answer to one particular question. The question itself is more like instructions on how to do something that I'd convinced myself that I needed to do for so many reasons, but do you know what? I've given up. I don't need to do... that thing that I thought I needed to do. I'm not in such dire need of.. something.. that I'm going to waste a shockingly large amount of time, looking for the perfect way to word something so that I can finally do that thing that I really don't need to do.

So I'm not going to do it.

That's it.

I'm decided.

Not doing it.

Not searching, not wasting time, not wasting heart.

Nope.

Making Me Smile

Watch "Random Valentine; Condom Taping" on YouTube

I've missed two blog so far this week, but that's due to illness. Personally I don't think I deserve to be punished for those, but it's your call, I suppose.
When you're ill, it can sometimes take a lot to make you smile, so I knew I must be at least 50% better when the link to the video above made me giggle my socks off. I hope you enjoy it too, because damn, it's funny.

An Explanation (and a long post at last)

Sometimes in life there aren't many things that can make you truly happy. Things get you down, you get stressed, and you don't even have the time to attempt anything relaxing. So what do we do in these situations? Some people just get on with life, cope with it, carry their burdens and hope for a nirvana. Others become introverted hermit crabs and keep everything in, slowly becoming depressive as they refuse to share anything, and some just forget about everything, declare their lives to be shit and try to see the greener grass by just generally not giving a care to anything. Everyone has their own method which may or may not work for them, and I'm not going to stress a point on there because what works for some people doesn't for others. It's human nature to believe that your views are better than anybody else's and I'm not going to pretend that we all don't fall subject to that viewpoint now and again. We are all both right and wrong about our opinions, because opinions are just that. They aren't fact, but they're not complete rubbish either.

That said, I generally have three stages in my method for relieving stress or relaxing, and it does tend to work really well for me. There's never not something running through my mind, be it a song, a quote I'm deciphering or a conversation I've had or would like to have with someone, and sometimes it can all become something of a mess and I'd quite like it all to quieten down and focus on one solitary thing, or focus away from one thing in particular. First, I find something which could potentially take my mind off whatever I'm trying to think or not think about, and this thing is usually in the form of a video. Music and reading works too, but videos work better because they require more attention from my senses, and I find it hard to read and listen to music at the same time. Vlogs also work, but they tend to make me think even more and confuse me, and often make my head a mess, hence why this post is a little messy around the edges. This brings me neatly to my stage two; blogging. It doesn't actually have to be a blog post, writing stories or fanfiction work too, but blogging tends to be the process I lean towards, and a lot of the posts on here (this one included) exist solely as a result of me trying to take my mind off something. This stage is in effect, me clearing out my system by writing about  the thing that I need to stop thinking about in order to maintain what little sanity I have. I consider things deeply, debate them and try to decide on an opinion to form (which is basically what the first paragraph of this post is). This requires a lot of thinking and I can write and rewrite a point so many times in different ways, it's really quite fascinating to read it once I've gotten the worst of it out of my system. My third and final stage is basically stage one repeated, except it usually lasts a lot longer and I'll be more relaxed about it. If I ended stage one midway through a video then it could lead on directly from it, it's more than likely that I'm going to go back to it. Half of my screen right now is a Vlogbrothers video, paused 54 seconds from the end, because a thought entered my head so I watched something different and that combined with other activities led me to writing this, and I fully intend to go back to that video as soon as I'm finished with this, and not a moment sooner, because I'm in the right mindset now and I shall not distract myself. Vlogbrothers shal be my treat for finishing this post, but I'm not going to rush it.

It helps if the thing that I distract myself with is something that I'm very passionate about, and it bodes well for me that I get obsessed with things pretty easily.

I have been judged before for getting excited about things and obsessing over them, and I really do understand how that might be annoying, but what I don't get is when people say that I'm wasting my life by getting obsessed with things. Now I understand where they're coming from, and I'm not going to get all teenager-y and say that "it's my life and if I want to waste it who are you to stop me", and I'd rather you voiced your opinions on me rather than keeping them quiet and pretending that you like me when you really can't stand me, but when you tell me that I'm a weirdo for effectively being myself, and that you'd rather have a shitty life than be me ... well to be perfectly honest I'm a little offended. You don't have to like the things that I do or even pretend to, and I don't expect you to get excited about these little things. I don't particularly want to be any of you, either, because I'm happy with my life and as a general rule, I like who I am (I just hate some of the decisions I make). I just really can't fathom why people think that judging me and judging the things that make me who I am are different things, because when you do that, you're not discriminating the thing itself, because if you were that would be your opinion and that's fine, but when you call them shitty little things that I obsess over and let take over my life, although you may not realise it, they are a vital part of who I am. When I relax and try to take my mind off things, when I watch Vlogbrothers videos or scroll through Tumblr pages while listening to Simon and Garfunkel, I take it all in so I don't have to think about whatever is getting to me, and generally if I can't do that, I go downhill rapidly. I get angry and I get frustrated. You've seen me when I get like this and you know that it isn't fun for anybody involved. Little things make me happy. S&G make me smile, they give me hope in life and love and friendship. Nerdfighteria makes me happy; it gives me hope in humanity, and it gives me the confidence to be who I am. You may not realise it; you may see them only as things that I get excited over and talk about endlessly, but that's only because each obsessions starts when I'd rather think about that than something else. They make me seem insane sometimes, but really they're the reason that I have what little sanity I have. Truthfully? The reason I extended my blogging challenge into the new year was because I knew that if I didn't keep up my process of taking my mind of things, I'd slowly bring myself down into being a person who I really don't want to be, and nobody wants to spend time with. I knew that without these things, I'd end up snapping at people and saying things that I don't mean.

As I said before, you can disagree with me on this, because all opinions are believed to be fact by somebody. I don't expect you to suddenly change your mind about the things that I like, just accept that I do talk about them. You can tell me to shut up if it irritates you, in fact I encourage you to let me know when I get beyond irritating, and I'll be sure to return the favour. You can tell me when you don't care about whatever I'm rambling on about, and feel free to voice your opinion on it. But there's a line, dude.

Pfft.

S

It's your fault this time. :)

Day Four

Still no interesting post. Should I give up? Probably. Am I going to? No. Definitely not. I am many things but one thing that I am not is a quitter. I will see this through to the end, if it's the last thing I do.

Third

The third short blog in a row and I really am sorry. I would have done a long one tonight but my wrist is killing me and I'm tired out, emotionally and physically. Still, at least half-term starts tomorrow. Although it'll be a miracle if that goes by stress free.

My Apologies

This is the second last minute post in a row. I have a good one in planning which should be ready by tomorrow. I'll write it on the bus home, probably. I need to sleep now. Goodnight.

Tagged

This is really unusual for me. I mean this is just untouched ground. I kinda like it... But its so strange!

Sometimes Technology Infuriates Me

It really does. I don't know if it's a problem specific to my phone or if it's one which happens a lot with Androids, but it has a real temper when it comes to connecting to the internet. Sometimes it will manage it, other times it'll just cut out. I know the Internet is working fine becuase my phone refuses to connect right now and yet I'm able to post this from my iPod. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated...

I also don't see the point in having different keyboards on different devices! Switching between the Apple keyboard and the Android keyboard isn't usually so bad, until it comes to punctuation. The Android keyboard has a full-stop on the alphabet keyboard, as well as one on the first punctuation board, and the double tap space bar also works as a full-stop, but not quite as often as would be appreciated in comparison to the iPod keyboard. Then the basic punctuation (.,?!') is all shifted around, and the Android feels the need to have three boards for punctuation and emoticons which I never use because they look stupid, and it doesn't reset to the first board if you go back to text, which really winds me up. On the Apple keyboard, if you use an apostraphe, it automatically snaps back to the text board without you having to do it manually, which is really confusing when you go to the Android board and it's an extra tap which you don't even think about, so you end up with a few random punctuation marks in your sentence.

Then there's the autocorrect, which I really miss when I use my phone. I tend to make a lot of typos when I type, and where Android makes (mostly incorrect) suggestions as to what I might mean and makes me either choose or retype in an irritating and time consuming way, Apple just assumes, and at least if it doesn't get ot right (although it usually does for me) the things it does correct to are sometimes highly entertaining. Although, I still don't get why it feels the need to capitalise 'Reading'.

Even the letter select system is better on the iPod. If you make an error half way through a word on the iPod, you simply drag your finger through the word and settle on the right letter. You can highlight it easily, and whatever you do by this method comes up in a little magnifying glass type thing, so it's really clear what you're doing, and everything is focused. However on the Android, it's a hit and miss process. You need to use a single tap to get as close to the letter as possible, and then erase around it. It hardly ever works properly, if it's near the edge of the screen then it often clicks on something different, and it's just alltogether a really awful system.

Don't get me wrong, I love my phone. I just wish it wasn't so damn awkward.

The YouTube.

I love YouTube. It's probably the website I spend the most time on, since I stopped looking for new Fanfictions, and hardly anyone updates the ones I actually read. I guess the thing about YouTube is that it's so diverse in its content that there is something on there for everyone, and once you find something you like, you can just keep going and going and going through links until you reach that weird part of YouTube... You know the weird part of YouTube, where you're watching people having tattoos done and random body parts pierced, or where naked men dance on the beach with bananas, or a 24 hour loop of a seemingly random man humping a giant fish sculpture.

The internet is brilliant.

My personal favourite part of YouTube is the vloggers, my preferred ones being (in no particular order) Charlieissocoollike, (epic) Nerimon, (epic) Littleradge, (sexy) the Vlogbrothers, (made of awesome, nerdfightastic) Shane Dawson, (brilliant) Jory Caron, (not bad) Riley McIlwain, (not bad) Jon Paula,(truthful  news/entertainment)  JenxthexJinx, (amazing, hilarious) EddPlant, (fairly decent music and entertaining) GradualReport, (genius hilarity <3)  jackisanerd, (strangely brilliant) jacksfilms, (even better) Tobuscus, (better still) TobyTurner, (a little long, still epic) TouchTheSkyFilms, (so amazing <3) Khyan1, (weirdly epic)  Danisnotonfire, (funny and nice ;D)  owlssayhoot, (interesting) amazingphil, (awesome)  Ssondiyazi (brilliant :D)... I've just realised how long the list actually is, and these are just vloggers. These should all be linked, by the way, and they're all awesome in their own light.


This post was going to be longer, but I'm tired.

Credit must go to Becca today, who lent me use of the word 'diverse' for this post.

I'm Not Generally a Baby Person...

... but damn, Caitlin is CUTE. Well, all of my little cousins are cute, but I'm only just noticing the extent of their cuteness now, as opposed to when I was eight when Lucy was born, and I wasn't really interested in babies.

I love all of my cousins to bits, the older ones and the younger ones, but it's only in the past year or so that I've actually started thinking of babies as any more than lovable loud and smelly things. I guess it's hormones, but it's definitely not to the point where I actually WANT a baby. After all, they are still loud and everything, and they all go through a stage where they look a bit like Slitheen.

Idiots

Some people really get on my nerves. It's usually the people who are idiots just for the sake of irritating others to amuse their friends. I know why they do it; they think it's funny. They don't give a shit about the people they irritate, because they think that it's completely normal. They think that it isn't causing any harm whatsoever, because to them, someone's anger or embarrassment or pain in humorous. Not once do they ever stop and think "hey, is this a bad thing?" because do you know what? They are fucking idiots.

The most common example of this is something that I see literally every day in school. Person A likes to read on the computer. She is, by all accounts a lovely girl. She never says a bad word about anyone and I really love her for being who she is, despite being bullied. She's a little on the irritating side but she's a great friend and I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't been the best friend to her that I could have been. But anyway, person A likes to keep herself to herself in a morning, and she sits in the corner on a computer, reading. Of course, our school is filled with idiots. Idiots who can't even leave her alone, when she isn't doing anything wrong at all. For some reason, they feel the need to stand directly behind her with their heads almost touching her shoulders, clearly invading her personal space. Something else I should mention about person A is that she has a very short temper, and isn't afraid to lash out at those who irritate her. So person B is standing behind person A, often with persons C, D and E stood behind him to back up his irritating persona. He then finds it necessary to talk to her in short and repetitive phrases like; "what are you reading? What are you reading? What are you reading?" until at last person A snaps, and shouts at them in an unfortunately undignified voice to go away and leave her alone. For some reason, this response is seen as entertaining by the posse of idiots, who then walk off laughing their pompous little heads off, leaving person A very angry, distressed and shaken up. I'm sorry, but I don't see the entertainment factor in this. In fact, I find it disturbing and mean.

The next example is something which irritates me to no end. People, typically boys, who go around telling everyone that one of their friends likes you. It's clearly not true, because you've said the same thing to every girl in the year, and apparently the words "fuck off" mean nothing any more, and are also, apparently, entertaining. Again, I don't see the entertainment in being persistently annoying.

It's a common occurrence at lunch times that two or three people will pull themselves away from our group to have conversation, debate or discussion in private. These conversations are easy to spot even by the most idiotic students in school. We tend to keep our heads down, spend a fair amount of time hugging, and don't spend a lot of time with smiles on our faces, hence the need to be having a private conversation. It seems that there are some ridiculously stupid people in our year who see us drifting away from our usual group and think "ooh, they must want us to come and irritate them," which they do happily, leaving their own group of people we never talk to, just to come and ruin our conversation. Then when we kindly ask them to leave us alone (which apparently needs to be done repeatedly), they don't understand the meaning of it, and instead ask us stupid questions (see above) and crowd around us. They then go in search of the response the get from person A, which they know they're going to get because they're being fucking annoying enough. Sure enough, it doesn't take long before we're restraining ourselves from hitting the ring leader and shouting at them to fuck off, because we're really not having a good day and despite how irritating it is that they find it amusing, it seems to work, because they're really just cowards who can't go up against a couple of girls in a fight. I never really thought of myself as a fighter, being the stupidly calm yet clumsy person I am, but if they do that again, I'm not going to argue when a part of my brain tells me to punch them.

They do it because they're bored. "Was I bored? No, I wasn't fuckin' bored. I'm never bored. That's the trouble with everybody - you're all so bored. You've had nature explained to you and you're bored with it, you've had the living body explained to you and you're bored with it, you've had the universe explained to you and you're bored with it, so now you want cheap thrills and, like, plenty of them, and it doesn't matter how tawdry or vacuous they are as long as it's new as long as it's new as long as it flashes and fuckin' bleeps in forty fuckin' different colors. So whatever else you can say about me, I'm not fuckin' bored."


Idiots.